Special News Bulletin:
Tiger Loses!
by Dick Tigermakesmetingle
Tiger Woods lost in the second round of the Match Play Championship this afternoon to white South African devil Tim Clark.
Following the shocking loss, all 745 of the assembled reporters, all of them white males, ran to the press tent and engaged in a sustained bout of hysterical sobbing. Nick Faldo and Paul Azinger, the captains of last year's Ryder Cup teams who are calling the tournament for The Tiger Channel, jointly proposed three resolutions to the distraught media personnel, who actually outnumbered the gallery on this Thursday afternoon on the course in the Arizona desert.
The first resolution called for all reporters and broadcasters to wear black armbands for the rest of the tournament to symbolize their state of mourning and to show their eternal solidarity with Woods. It passed by a vote of 745 to 0.
The second resolution demanded that Congress pass a law replacing the motto "In God We Trust" on all U.S. coins with the motto "In Tiger We Trust," to take effect immediately. That resolution also passed by a 745 to 0 count.
The third resolution called on the Pentagon to indiscriminately bomb the few remaining White neighborhoods in South Africa,in order to punish Tim Clark, Ernie Els, Retief Goosen, Trevor Immelman, and all other White South Africansfor the evils of apartheid and to promote freedom and democracy. However that resolution was defeated by a close vote of 374 to 371, as opponents were afraid that some innocent black civilians might be killed during the strikes.
Before any more resolutions could beconsidered, the gushing tears of the inconsolable white reporters suddenly reached waist level in the media room, creating a tidal effect that swept all of them from the areaand deposited them in a deep gully that is infested with rattlesnakes and tarantulas. It's not known at this stage how many, if any, survived. The corporate networks all dispatched news crews to the scene, but once there each decided instead to see if Tiger Woods was available to comment on his earth-shaking loss.
