Soccer 2025

[Phall]

Barcelona clobbered Real Madrid last weekend in the Spanish Supercopa, 5-2. This is a glorified exhibition tournament now held in Saudi Arabia between four of Spain's top clubs, but the occasion still obliges a first-team roster. Real Madrid started a shockingly odious 8 black players out of 11, including just 2 Spaniards. Barcelona played a more respectable 7 white starters, including 5 Spaniards and 2 Africans with Spanish citizenship. Although the good guys won, 3 of their 5 goals were scored by their non-white contingent.

Erling Haaland signed a rather absurd 9.5 year contract extension with Manchester City, who have recently been one of the more white-friendly clubs in the Premier League and Champions League. Strikers have generally been the first position to be racially-replaced, so it's just as well the Norwegian stays put rather than, say, joining the racial jungle in Madrid.

The 22 year old American fullback John Tolkien was transferred to Bundesliga side Holstein Kiel, who are fighting to avoid relegation. Tolkin is a borderline USMNT prospect who has been eyeing a move abroad for years. Contingent on his transfer was a renewed public apology for "liking" tweets last year. An obsessive fan looked through the history of tweets that Tolkin had "liked" and found about six "controversial" ones among the hundreds, including a flat-earth meme, a global government meme, a covid hoax tweet, a video of four Irishmen beating up an African thief, and a tweet that trannies aren't real women. Obviously, Tolkin deleted these "likes" last summer as soon as a fuss was made (Elon Musk immediately made "likes" private, possibly due to this brouhaha). Nevertheless, Tolkin had to pledge allegiance to globohomo as part of his welcome statement, with an emphasis on the validity of trannies.

“I regret that things I have done in the past in my social media activities may have hurt, irritated or offended people. That was never my intention. I would like to assure you 100 percent at this point that I respect all people, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

“I always judge people based on how they treat me and others. In my circle of friends and my teams, I always meet a wide variety of people and I always have a close and trusting relationship with them. That is why I would like to make it clear that I have neither homophobic nor any kind of discriminatory thoughts. That is incompatible with my personal values that were taught to me from childhood.

“That is why it now hurts me even more that my start here at Holstein Kiel is accompanied by this issue. I want to concentrate on football and help the club and the team in sporting terms.”

“As part of John Tolkin’s signing, we spoke to the player about these issues,” the statement reads. “John has credibly explained to us in our conversations that he did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with these likes.

“John expressed his support for club values,” the statement continues. “We are therefore firmly convinced that, with the signing of John, we can welcome a player to Holstein Kiel who fits in well with us as a club from both a sporting and personal point-of-view.”

Gay!

 

[Phall]

In more real soccer news, Lazio has fired its eagle-handler and is preparing to sue him. The Italian club has historically enjoyed a far-right nationalist fan base, so management is particularly image-conscious. The team mascot is an eagle, and they employ a professional eagle handler to have their bird fly around the stadium during games, presumably.

Well, the eagle handler did a radio interview to talk about the successful penis-enlargement surgery he'd had from one of the team's medical doctors. He shared photos of his new tool and discussed how he's in an open marriage and happy to give demonstrations to any curious ladies.

The team president sounds pretty based, tbh:

Lotito also spoke to La Zanzara, as quoted by Gazzetta, insisting that he won’t forgive Bernabé.

“There’s no forgiveness. Would you demand pardon after killing a person?” said the Lazio President.

“I’ve been in football for 20 years, trying to extirpate some things from this environment. I want an etic and simple football. The Curva also wrote a harsh statement against Bernabé. Do you think I’ve asked them to do so?

“Somebody who behaves like this can’t go to school to meet the kids. Obviously, we’ll claim for damages. Both he and the urologist have lost their minds.”