WASHINGTON, DC--After a Week One loss that featured a disheartening, uninspired performance from his offense, Redskins coach Jim Zorn said he's afraid that his sh*tty quarterback is losing confidence.
"Our sh*tty quarterback looked a little lackluster this week,"Â Zorn told the media today. "I'm afraid he might be losing his confidence. As a coach, I've got to convince him that just because he's sh*tty and crappy and basically unfit to be a franchise quarterback doesn't mean he can't win some games in this league. That's the message that I need to drill in his big dumb head, or else we'll lose him completely."Â
Zorn said that while there "dozens"Â of other quarterbacks he would rather have, Campbell is who they're stuck with and the team must rally around him.
"Look, we'd all love to have a Tom Brady or a Peyton Manning or a Joe Flacco or a Donovan McNabb or even a Luke McCown, but Jason Campbell is our guy and we've got to rally around him,"Â said Zorn. "That means everyone on this team must support and encourage Jason whenever possible. Because when crappy quarterbacks lose their confidence they become even more crappy and it's harder than ever to pretend they're halfway decent."Â
Both Zorn and Campbell are on the hot seat this year, desperate to prove they are qualified to lead the Redskins to the playoffs. While the team held their own against the Giants in Week One, there is growing concern that the offense lacks the weapons to compete in the tough NFC East.
Many observers feel that the coaching staff needs to open up the playbook and allow Campbell to throw deep more often, but Zorn says it's not that easy.
"Look, we all want to see more deep balls and a higher octane offense," said Zorn, "but that's not as easy as it sounds. Whenever we try to open up the offense, Jason freaks out and becomes erratic. So we keep things simple. That's why he's one of the most accurate quarterbacks in the league, which is just a polite way of saying ‘the guy who throws the shortest passes in the league.'"Â
As a way to build his quarterback's confidence, Zorn plans to highlight examples of other sh*tty quarterbacks who have been successful.
"There have been plenty of guys who weren't terribly skilled at their jobs that somehow found success in the NFL,"Â said Zorn. "Take someone like Trent Dilfer. He didn't have much of an arm and he was completely immobile, yet he got to a Super Bowl. Or look at the 49ers' Shaun Hill. What's he even doing in the league? He stinks to high heaven. Yet when there's a big throw to be made, he makes it. And his numbers are actually pretty good. The lesson? Just because you're crappy doesn't mean you're doomed to failure."Â
Campbell said he appreciates his coach's efforts to build his confidence, but insisted that confidence is not his problem. The problem, he says, is the coach's lack of confidence in his skills.
"I'm perfectly confident,"Â Campbell said on Wednesday. "I know I have a great arm and a great head on my shoulders. My coach is the one who lacks confidence in me. Open up the playbook and let me show you what I can do. Use a little more imagination with the play calling. Put a little more thought into those X's and O's. Come on, ust because you're a sh*tty coach doesn't mean you're doomed to failure in this league."Â
Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
