Phall
Master
2026 Michigan Wolverines
Since 2005, Michigan has started 8, 7, 8, 9, 8, 9, 9, 8, 12, 11, 10, 10, 8, 7, 6, 5, 7, 5, 8, 7, and 6 white players. They return to 8 this year.
So, did anything interesting happen this offseason?
The Wolverines will be led by their first Mormon-American coach, Kyle Whittingham, who arrives after 21 seasons at Utah. Whittingham had plenty of relative success there, but after OC Morgan Scalley was named coach-in-waiting, there was some pressure to get on with it. Rather than coach one more year and be pushed out, Whittingham resigned in December, immediately after the Michigan vacancy opened up. At age 66, he would not have been considered in a normal hiring cycle. He was even more attractive for a program that could use a few years without a major scandal. Whittingham figures to have 4-5 years to try to win a national championship with a bigger program budget.
As a barometer, Kyle Whittingham’s last teams at Utah started 11, 11, 11, 8, 8, 11, 11, 11, 6, 6, 6, 5, 5, 2, 4, 5, 9, 7, and 7.
Offseason: Of course, the Wolverines were disgraced by previous head coach Sherrone Moore. Moore was over-promoted his whole career as a young, black “players’ coach.” When Jim Harbaugh left for the NFL, Michigan was stuck promoting him instead of a traditional coaching search. Moore in turn promoted his longtime white mistress, the daughter of a lifelong NFL scout. When the white mistress wanted another promotion (to become the coach’s new wife), she was told there was no vacancy for that position, she decided to blow the liid on the affair, also alleging stalking, sexual abuse, and a hostile work environment. While that’s all obviously ********, designed by a lawyer to get her millions in settlement, it was plenty to fire the coach. Moore reacted to his firing by driving to his mistress’ apartment and threatening to kill himself with a butter knife, before eventually being apprehended by police. Criminal charges against him were dropped down to probation and petty fines. The university had more egg on its face when the depth of Moore’s sex-pestery was further revealed: he was soliciting prostitutes from Instagram and OnlyFans, even sending them messages from his school-owned cell phone during halftime of losing games.
After parting with its first black head football coach, Michigan had to decide what to do with its first black athletic director, Warde Manuel. Manuel hired two national championship-winning coaches (Jim Harbaugh in football and Dusty May in basketball). He also failed to retain those coaches and fired three coaches in some degree of scandal (Moore, basketball coach Juwan Howard, who habitually punched other coaches, and hockey coach Mel Pearson, who used stern words in conversation with a female staffer). It’s a mixed bag of results, so instead of firing him outright, Michigan hired an independent law firm to “investigate” their athletic department at the cost of $12 million. Based on the report, the school decided to fire Manuel, but not for cause. Instead,, they will let him stay on through the end of the year before paying him a $7 million buyout. Rather pricey!
Quarterback: Young black “phenom” Bryce Underwood is a year older and a year richer. Is he a year better? His performance in the spring game was poor enough that questions were asked about who takes over if the wheels completely fall off the wagon. True freshman Tommy Carr, younger brother of Notre Dame QB CJ Carr, is apparently the #2 after enrolling early. Colorado State transfer Brayden Fowler-Nicolosi, a former starter who lost his job, now looks for a change of scenery.
Running back: Tomas O’Meara is one of those grandfathered walk-ons who “made the cut” with the new larger scholarship limit. It would take two major injuries before he would see a competitive carry, and he doesn’t seem destined to climb in the hierarchy.Due to injuries to “real” athletes, Whittingham has named O’Meara the RB4 to start the year. He had 71 yards in garbage time against Maryland last season.
Wide Receiver: The best gift the Whittingham administration brought with them is Utah transfer JJ Buchanan, who has completely shed his initial “tight end” identity. He had 16.4 YPR last year along with 5 touchdowns. Buchanan projects as “option 1B” for total targets, likely lining up where you’d put a slot receiver.
Tight end: Michigan’s well of blue-chip TEs has seemingly run dry. The likely top guy is Zack Marshall based on last season’s usage. After two seasons of overlooking him, Marshall is the first player that I’ve ever promoted to white. He has a weird face, but it turns out that comes from his white father, who sort of resembles Joe Klecko. Marshall’s mom is either Greek or “Latina,” and I’ll give that admixture a nod. Despite the silly name, Deakon Tonielli also makes our list, probably in a light rotation role, along with Hogan Hansen. Utah played a lot of snaps with a “rhino” last year, essentially a sixth lineman. Right now, that’s probably utility lineman Brady Norton.
Offensive line: The line is currently set at 4/5 white starters. Center Jake Guarnera and RT Andrew Sprague are the two top studs. LT Blake Frazier is a fast-riser and deserves credit for beating out infinity-upsider Andrew Babaloa (again). Evan Link was generally awful as a tackle but has the size and strength to kick inside and be a positive at guard. Brady Norton is currently the sixth lineman and will have packages where he joins the starting five.
Edge: Utah transfer John Henry Daley is the other best gift of the Whittingham administration. An injury shortened a potential All-American campaign last year. If he’s healthy, which he declares himself to be, Daley will be a sack machine, the best player on the field and potentially a first-round pick.
Linebacker: Nathaniel Staehling captained North Dakota State last season and arrives as a grad transfer. Michigan will run a “base” 4-3 but play mostly with a fifth DB. There were four candidates for these 2.5 starting spots: Staehling has won the MIKE job against the upsiders and will be on the field for most of the defensive snaps. This was either perfectly logical or completely baffling, depending on your temperament. Staehling is said to have taken his first “professional” offseason very seriously, putting extra work into his physique and agility. While Daley is the star, Staehling will be my favorite player.
Elsewhere on defense: This cupboard is embarrassingly bare. DT Bobby Kanka, the only white non-OL “scholarship” player on the roster from the state of Michigan, is closing in on the two-deep as a true sophomore. True freshman DT Alister Vallejo, who probably calls himself Mexican despite being as white as mayonnaise, could also see some cameo snaps early on. Last year’s most promising white DT, Manuel Beigel, was quickly moved by Whittingham’s staff to o-line, effectively ending his on-field career.
Special teams: The kicker and punter are white: hooray. Some of the former walk-ons who remain with the team will be designated White Special Teams Demons. “Safety” Nico Andrighetto seems most likely to get his name called.
One anomaly of interest is long snapper Gavin Magorien, who was the lone Wolverine to make Bruce Feldman’s cocky “Freaks List” this year. Magorien was a star wide receiver and defensive back in high school, as well as solid track sprinter. Sensing that he wouldn’t easily snag a P4 offer, he went to “long snapper camp” to learn a different trade and game the caste system. As such, he casts an interesting visage as a 5’11, 210 lbs long snapper who can perform double-duty as a gunner. I’m not even sure he’ll see the field this year, but he got his scholarship offer from a top school and program.
Staff notes: DC Jason Beck will coach somewhere soon.
Recruiting class 2027: Pathetic. Worse than the typical SEC class. Out of 21 signings, 3 white players (tight pend and two offensive linemen). While the star ratings naturally skew against whites, they’re all “3-stars,” which just means they aren’t on plane.
Since 2005, Michigan has started 8, 7, 8, 9, 8, 9, 9, 8, 12, 11, 10, 10, 8, 7, 6, 5, 7, 5, 8, 7, and 6 white players. They return to 8 this year.
So, did anything interesting happen this offseason?
The Wolverines will be led by their first Mormon-American coach, Kyle Whittingham, who arrives after 21 seasons at Utah. Whittingham had plenty of relative success there, but after OC Morgan Scalley was named coach-in-waiting, there was some pressure to get on with it. Rather than coach one more year and be pushed out, Whittingham resigned in December, immediately after the Michigan vacancy opened up. At age 66, he would not have been considered in a normal hiring cycle. He was even more attractive for a program that could use a few years without a major scandal. Whittingham figures to have 4-5 years to try to win a national championship with a bigger program budget.
As a barometer, Kyle Whittingham’s last teams at Utah started 11, 11, 11, 8, 8, 11, 11, 11, 6, 6, 6, 5, 5, 2, 4, 5, 9, 7, and 7.
Offseason: Of course, the Wolverines were disgraced by previous head coach Sherrone Moore. Moore was over-promoted his whole career as a young, black “players’ coach.” When Jim Harbaugh left for the NFL, Michigan was stuck promoting him instead of a traditional coaching search. Moore in turn promoted his longtime white mistress, the daughter of a lifelong NFL scout. When the white mistress wanted another promotion (to become the coach’s new wife), she was told there was no vacancy for that position, she decided to blow the liid on the affair, also alleging stalking, sexual abuse, and a hostile work environment. While that’s all obviously ********, designed by a lawyer to get her millions in settlement, it was plenty to fire the coach. Moore reacted to his firing by driving to his mistress’ apartment and threatening to kill himself with a butter knife, before eventually being apprehended by police. Criminal charges against him were dropped down to probation and petty fines. The university had more egg on its face when the depth of Moore’s sex-pestery was further revealed: he was soliciting prostitutes from Instagram and OnlyFans, even sending them messages from his school-owned cell phone during halftime of losing games.
After parting with its first black head football coach, Michigan had to decide what to do with its first black athletic director, Warde Manuel. Manuel hired two national championship-winning coaches (Jim Harbaugh in football and Dusty May in basketball). He also failed to retain those coaches and fired three coaches in some degree of scandal (Moore, basketball coach Juwan Howard, who habitually punched other coaches, and hockey coach Mel Pearson, who used stern words in conversation with a female staffer). It’s a mixed bag of results, so instead of firing him outright, Michigan hired an independent law firm to “investigate” their athletic department at the cost of $12 million. Based on the report, the school decided to fire Manuel, but not for cause. Instead,, they will let him stay on through the end of the year before paying him a $7 million buyout. Rather pricey!
Quarterback: Young black “phenom” Bryce Underwood is a year older and a year richer. Is he a year better? His performance in the spring game was poor enough that questions were asked about who takes over if the wheels completely fall off the wagon. True freshman Tommy Carr, younger brother of Notre Dame QB CJ Carr, is apparently the #2 after enrolling early. Colorado State transfer Brayden Fowler-Nicolosi, a former starter who lost his job, now looks for a change of scenery.
Running back: Tomas O’Meara is one of those grandfathered walk-ons who “made the cut” with the new larger scholarship limit. It would take two major injuries before he would see a competitive carry, and he doesn’t seem destined to climb in the hierarchy.
Wide Receiver: The best gift the Whittingham administration brought with them is Utah transfer JJ Buchanan, who has completely shed his initial “tight end” identity. He had 16.4 YPR last year along with 5 touchdowns. Buchanan projects as “option 1B” for total targets, likely lining up where you’d put a slot receiver.
Tight end: Michigan’s well of blue-chip TEs has seemingly run dry. The likely top guy is Zack Marshall based on last season’s usage. After two seasons of overlooking him, Marshall is the first player that I’ve ever promoted to white. He has a weird face, but it turns out that comes from his white father, who sort of resembles Joe Klecko. Marshall’s mom is either Greek or “Latina,” and I’ll give that admixture a nod. Despite the silly name, Deakon Tonielli also makes our list, probably in a light rotation role, along with Hogan Hansen. Utah played a lot of snaps with a “rhino” last year, essentially a sixth lineman. Right now, that’s probably utility lineman Brady Norton.
Offensive line: The line is currently set at 4/5 white starters. Center Jake Guarnera and RT Andrew Sprague are the two top studs. LT Blake Frazier is a fast-riser and deserves credit for beating out infinity-upsider Andrew Babaloa (again). Evan Link was generally awful as a tackle but has the size and strength to kick inside and be a positive at guard. Brady Norton is currently the sixth lineman and will have packages where he joins the starting five.
Edge: Utah transfer John Henry Daley is the other best gift of the Whittingham administration. An injury shortened a potential All-American campaign last year. If he’s healthy, which he declares himself to be, Daley will be a sack machine, the best player on the field and potentially a first-round pick.
Linebacker: Nathaniel Staehling captained North Dakota State last season and arrives as a grad transfer. Michigan will run a “base” 4-3 but play mostly with a fifth DB. There were four candidates for these 2.5 starting spots: Staehling has won the MIKE job against the upsiders and will be on the field for most of the defensive snaps. This was either perfectly logical or completely baffling, depending on your temperament. Staehling is said to have taken his first “professional” offseason very seriously, putting extra work into his physique and agility. While Daley is the star, Staehling will be my favorite player.
Elsewhere on defense: This cupboard is embarrassingly bare. DT Bobby Kanka, the only white non-OL “scholarship” player on the roster from the state of Michigan, is closing in on the two-deep as a true sophomore. True freshman DT Alister Vallejo, who probably calls himself Mexican despite being as white as mayonnaise, could also see some cameo snaps early on. Last year’s most promising white DT, Manuel Beigel, was quickly moved by Whittingham’s staff to o-line, effectively ending his on-field career.
Special teams: The kicker and punter are white: hooray. Some of the former walk-ons who remain with the team will be designated White Special Teams Demons. “Safety” Nico Andrighetto seems most likely to get his name called.
One anomaly of interest is long snapper Gavin Magorien, who was the lone Wolverine to make Bruce Feldman’s cocky “Freaks List” this year. Magorien was a star wide receiver and defensive back in high school, as well as solid track sprinter. Sensing that he wouldn’t easily snag a P4 offer, he went to “long snapper camp” to learn a different trade and game the caste system. As such, he casts an interesting visage as a 5’11, 210 lbs long snapper who can perform double-duty as a gunner. I’m not even sure he’ll see the field this year, but he got his scholarship offer from a top school and program.
Staff notes: DC Jason Beck will coach somewhere soon.
Recruiting class 2027: Pathetic. Worse than the typical SEC class. Out of 21 signings, 3 white players (tight pend and two offensive linemen). While the star ratings naturally skew against whites, they’re all “3-stars,” which just means they aren’t on plane.
