Colonel_Reb
Hall of Famer
Man, I don't know who wrote the new one, but it is hilariously true. The Shannon Sharpe bits are the best. For those of you that haven't read it yet, here it is.
The Corporate Sports Report
Welcome to the Corporate Sports Report at 11. I'm Kyle Brownnose, alongside my co-anchor Sheila Vapid-Breathless. Sheila, what's our lead story tonight?
Sheila: Kyle, tonight a nation is in shock. Americans everywhere continue to denounce the 16 year-old high school student in Peoria, Illinois who sent a video to YouTube consisting of black wide receivers dropping footballs and which claims in the voiceover that whites are not getting a fair chance to play college and professional ball. Kyle.
Kyle: The young hatemonger, David Morgan, was taken from his home today and placed under a 24 hour watch in a Peoria mental hospital. A local judge ruled that Morgan is not a criminal, rather that he appears to be "delusional" and needs to be re-educated.
Sheila: Right now we are going to show you a segment of Morgan's video, including some of his rambling narrative. We must warn viewers however that what you are about to see is very disturbing. If there are any young children in the room, please send them to their PlayStation Three so that their development isn't stunted.
(A portion of the tape Morgan cobbled together is then broadcast. One black NFL wide receiver after another is shown dropping the easiest throws imaginable. On a split screen, several elderly white women, friends of the Morgan family, are shown on a high school football field, effortlessly catching the same easy throws that the black players were dropping. In the background, several white voices can be heard laughing and jeering at the black receivers' "hands of stone" as pass after pass bounces off their hands.)
Kyle: I'm sorry you had to see that, but before we can identify and solve a problem, it's vital that the American people be allowed to see the lingering disease of racism in all its poisonous, deranged ugliness.
Sheila: As part of Corporate Sports' commitment to eradicating the scourge of white privilege and racism against black athletes, we are honored to be able at this time to present the latest installment of Corporate Sports' roundtable series, sponsored by Subway. Subway, eat fresh. Gathered here at our studios to discuss the issue of racism against blacks in the NFL is the following distinguished and diverse panel: announcers Michael Irvin, Shannon Sharpe and Ron Jaworski, wide receiver Terrell Owens, and a drunk white fan we selected at random from an NFL city. Moderating will be the NFL Network's own Rich Eisen. Rich Eisen:
Rich Eisen: Thank you, Sheila and Kyle. Let's start with you, T.O. You're a magnificent, studly thoroughbred of the highest quality. Yet you've been known to occasionally drop a pass. Is this because of stress caused by racism, or is it a dexterity or hand-eye coordination issue or does dropping the occasional pass just come with the territory?
Terrell Owens: There's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E." If the ball isn't thrown to me every single play I begin to cry. Row row row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily merrily merrily, T.O. is every quarterback's dream. . .
Shannon Sharpe: (unintelligible)
Drunk White Fan: Shannon, I have no idea what you just said dude, but I agree one hundred and ten percent with it. One hundred and ten percent. Huuuah!
Michael Irvin: Rich, why don't we see YouTube videos of black receivers making one-handed catches? Who cares how many drops there are when we look so cool making one-handed catches?
Rich Eisen: Shannon, you weren't asked to block much during your record-setting NFL career. Did you feel extra pressure as a black tight end to make every catch, whether routine or difficult?
Shannon Sharpe: (unintelligible)
Michael Irvin: I agree completely with what Shannon just said.
Drunk White Fan: Burp! Kyle Boller sucks, man. And Eli Manning  what kind of incest was going on in that family? I think I saw Eli in Deliverance!
Terrell Owens: The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. And the itsy bitsy spider said, "Just throw it to T.O."
Rich Eisen: Let's talk some now about black athletes' magnificent advantage over white athletes when it comes to hip swivel. Hip swivel seems to be one of those things that is a bit hard to quantify, sort of like the way all blacks have charisma and room-brightening smiles. White wide receivers, even when they have 40 times of 4.4 and 4.5 are incapable of making big plays, while virtually all black receivers, no matter how slow, have big play capability. Is that because of their vastly superior hip swivel? Jaws:
Ron Jaworski: Well, let's break it down on film. Here we see â€â€
Michael Irvin: Jaws, will you quit hogging all the air time! This is a great example of white privilege in action. Let the rest of us speak.
Ron Jaworski: My deepest apologies. I hope this doesn't threaten my job and I will do anything to keep the paychecks â€â€
Michael Irvin: Just shut up Jaws! Rich, we African Americans are uniquely blessed with hips that swivel and swivel and swivel. A white man's hips don't swivel. But my hips are swiveling even a bit right now as we speak. I get up to brush my teeth in the morning and my hips are swiveling. I see a fine-looking lady and my hips, they go into swivel overdrive. (The entire panel laughs out loud.)
Shannon Sharpe: (unintelligible)
Drunk White Fan: Shannon, you are Da Man. I'm not worthy dude. Let's do the wave, c'mon Jaws help me out here. (Drunk White Fan stands up and begins doing the wave. Jaws smiles sheeplishly and briefly joins in.)
Terrell Owens: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10 11 12
Michael Irvin: Hey T.O., what happened to 9?
Terrell Owens: 7 ate 9. (Uproarious laughter ensues)
Rich Eisen: During the Seattle-San Francisco game on Monday night two weeks ago, Cris Collinsworth courageously brought up a formerly taboo subject after black receivers on both teams were dropping ball after ball. Collinsworth said that the drops were being caused because the receivers' arms were "slimy." As best we know, this is the first time that "Slimy Arms Syndrome" was publicly mentioned. Should we be talking about Slimy Arms Syndrome? Shannon?
Shannon Sharpe: (unintelligible)
Michael Irvin: Rich, we are such magnificent athletes, we work so hard that we sweat a lot. This makes our arms sweaty, which sometimes causes our arms, not our hands, to reject footballs. Our hips are swiveling, our arms are slimy, it's all part of the overall package that we and only we bring to the National Football League.
Terrell Owens: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T...
Michael Irvin: Wait  T.O., where's the P?
Terrell Owens: Running down that drunk white boy's leg!
(Drunk White Fan, a prominent urine wet spot on his left leg, stands up and begins awkwardly imitating various Terrell Owens touchdown celebrations as everyone roars with laughter.)
Drunk White Fan: I love yinz guys! All the racism you have to put up with  the millions of dollars you get paid, the media always publicizing you and wanting to put you on commercials and stuff, you get your choice of women, no wonder you're so stressed out from racism all the time and drop the occasional pass. Make Matt Jones a long snapper! Send Mike Furrey back to the Arena League! Kill Drew Bennett! Ooohweee! You black guys rock!
Rich Eisen: And with that, let's take it back to you, Sheila and Kyle. I want to thank Michael Irvin, Shannon Sharpe, Ron Jaworski, Terrell Owens, and the Drunk White Fan for a most elucidating discussion.
Kyle: Thank you, Rich. When we come back from the break, the latest on those rumors that Tiger Woods is attempting to purchase the country of Monaco... Edited by: Colonel_Reb
The Corporate Sports Report
Welcome to the Corporate Sports Report at 11. I'm Kyle Brownnose, alongside my co-anchor Sheila Vapid-Breathless. Sheila, what's our lead story tonight?
Sheila: Kyle, tonight a nation is in shock. Americans everywhere continue to denounce the 16 year-old high school student in Peoria, Illinois who sent a video to YouTube consisting of black wide receivers dropping footballs and which claims in the voiceover that whites are not getting a fair chance to play college and professional ball. Kyle.
Kyle: The young hatemonger, David Morgan, was taken from his home today and placed under a 24 hour watch in a Peoria mental hospital. A local judge ruled that Morgan is not a criminal, rather that he appears to be "delusional" and needs to be re-educated.
Sheila: Right now we are going to show you a segment of Morgan's video, including some of his rambling narrative. We must warn viewers however that what you are about to see is very disturbing. If there are any young children in the room, please send them to their PlayStation Three so that their development isn't stunted.
(A portion of the tape Morgan cobbled together is then broadcast. One black NFL wide receiver after another is shown dropping the easiest throws imaginable. On a split screen, several elderly white women, friends of the Morgan family, are shown on a high school football field, effortlessly catching the same easy throws that the black players were dropping. In the background, several white voices can be heard laughing and jeering at the black receivers' "hands of stone" as pass after pass bounces off their hands.)
Kyle: I'm sorry you had to see that, but before we can identify and solve a problem, it's vital that the American people be allowed to see the lingering disease of racism in all its poisonous, deranged ugliness.
Sheila: As part of Corporate Sports' commitment to eradicating the scourge of white privilege and racism against black athletes, we are honored to be able at this time to present the latest installment of Corporate Sports' roundtable series, sponsored by Subway. Subway, eat fresh. Gathered here at our studios to discuss the issue of racism against blacks in the NFL is the following distinguished and diverse panel: announcers Michael Irvin, Shannon Sharpe and Ron Jaworski, wide receiver Terrell Owens, and a drunk white fan we selected at random from an NFL city. Moderating will be the NFL Network's own Rich Eisen. Rich Eisen:
Rich Eisen: Thank you, Sheila and Kyle. Let's start with you, T.O. You're a magnificent, studly thoroughbred of the highest quality. Yet you've been known to occasionally drop a pass. Is this because of stress caused by racism, or is it a dexterity or hand-eye coordination issue or does dropping the occasional pass just come with the territory?
Terrell Owens: There's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E." If the ball isn't thrown to me every single play I begin to cry. Row row row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily merrily merrily, T.O. is every quarterback's dream. . .
Shannon Sharpe: (unintelligible)
Drunk White Fan: Shannon, I have no idea what you just said dude, but I agree one hundred and ten percent with it. One hundred and ten percent. Huuuah!
Michael Irvin: Rich, why don't we see YouTube videos of black receivers making one-handed catches? Who cares how many drops there are when we look so cool making one-handed catches?
Rich Eisen: Shannon, you weren't asked to block much during your record-setting NFL career. Did you feel extra pressure as a black tight end to make every catch, whether routine or difficult?
Shannon Sharpe: (unintelligible)
Michael Irvin: I agree completely with what Shannon just said.
Drunk White Fan: Burp! Kyle Boller sucks, man. And Eli Manning  what kind of incest was going on in that family? I think I saw Eli in Deliverance!
Terrell Owens: The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. And the itsy bitsy spider said, "Just throw it to T.O."
Rich Eisen: Let's talk some now about black athletes' magnificent advantage over white athletes when it comes to hip swivel. Hip swivel seems to be one of those things that is a bit hard to quantify, sort of like the way all blacks have charisma and room-brightening smiles. White wide receivers, even when they have 40 times of 4.4 and 4.5 are incapable of making big plays, while virtually all black receivers, no matter how slow, have big play capability. Is that because of their vastly superior hip swivel? Jaws:
Ron Jaworski: Well, let's break it down on film. Here we see â€â€
Michael Irvin: Jaws, will you quit hogging all the air time! This is a great example of white privilege in action. Let the rest of us speak.
Ron Jaworski: My deepest apologies. I hope this doesn't threaten my job and I will do anything to keep the paychecks â€â€
Michael Irvin: Just shut up Jaws! Rich, we African Americans are uniquely blessed with hips that swivel and swivel and swivel. A white man's hips don't swivel. But my hips are swiveling even a bit right now as we speak. I get up to brush my teeth in the morning and my hips are swiveling. I see a fine-looking lady and my hips, they go into swivel overdrive. (The entire panel laughs out loud.)
Shannon Sharpe: (unintelligible)
Drunk White Fan: Shannon, you are Da Man. I'm not worthy dude. Let's do the wave, c'mon Jaws help me out here. (Drunk White Fan stands up and begins doing the wave. Jaws smiles sheeplishly and briefly joins in.)
Terrell Owens: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10 11 12
Michael Irvin: Hey T.O., what happened to 9?
Terrell Owens: 7 ate 9. (Uproarious laughter ensues)
Rich Eisen: During the Seattle-San Francisco game on Monday night two weeks ago, Cris Collinsworth courageously brought up a formerly taboo subject after black receivers on both teams were dropping ball after ball. Collinsworth said that the drops were being caused because the receivers' arms were "slimy." As best we know, this is the first time that "Slimy Arms Syndrome" was publicly mentioned. Should we be talking about Slimy Arms Syndrome? Shannon?
Shannon Sharpe: (unintelligible)
Michael Irvin: Rich, we are such magnificent athletes, we work so hard that we sweat a lot. This makes our arms sweaty, which sometimes causes our arms, not our hands, to reject footballs. Our hips are swiveling, our arms are slimy, it's all part of the overall package that we and only we bring to the National Football League.
Terrell Owens: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T...
Michael Irvin: Wait  T.O., where's the P?
Terrell Owens: Running down that drunk white boy's leg!
(Drunk White Fan, a prominent urine wet spot on his left leg, stands up and begins awkwardly imitating various Terrell Owens touchdown celebrations as everyone roars with laughter.)
Drunk White Fan: I love yinz guys! All the racism you have to put up with  the millions of dollars you get paid, the media always publicizing you and wanting to put you on commercials and stuff, you get your choice of women, no wonder you're so stressed out from racism all the time and drop the occasional pass. Make Matt Jones a long snapper! Send Mike Furrey back to the Arena League! Kill Drew Bennett! Ooohweee! You black guys rock!
Rich Eisen: And with that, let's take it back to you, Sheila and Kyle. I want to thank Michael Irvin, Shannon Sharpe, Ron Jaworski, Terrell Owens, and the Drunk White Fan for a most elucidating discussion.
Kyle: Thank you, Rich. When we come back from the break, the latest on those rumors that Tiger Woods is attempting to purchase the country of Monaco... Edited by: Colonel_Reb
