Overcoming Minor Problems, Caste Football's Supreme
Directorate Meets, Decides Contentious 'Like' Issue
by Riley Cooper, Matt Jones, Travis Jervey, Brian Hartline, Eric Crouch, Patrick Jeffers, Gary Wellman and Zach Zenner
What was supposed to be a secret summit of the Caste Football Supreme Directorate turned into a wild affair, marked by violence and national publicity, but in the end the Directorate succeeded in accomplishing its agenda.
Despite elaborate precautions being taken, the meeting time and location was leaked to hostile forces, with the result that the 50 members of Caste Football’s Iron Guard who were present for security purposes had to fend off several thousand smelly members of the Colin Kaepernick May Day Brigade, led by their self-proclaimed “general,” Cris Collinsworth.
The Brigade tried to storm the hotel where the summit was taking place; however the Iron Guard swiftly and mercilessly beat them back. When the battle ended, 856 Brigade members lay dead and 2,112 were taken to area hospitals with serious injuries. The Iron Guard counted one injured warrior, who had suffered a dislocated finger during the scrap. One overzealous Iron Guard member decided to castrate Collinsworth, who had cowered behind a telephone poll during the fray and was unscathed, only to find that there was no need.
After the fake news reporters who were on the scene were ordered to leave the area and the remains of the deceased commies were discretely removed by the pro-Caste Football local police force, several CF members emerged to promote their pet causes. Former poster Bigunreal, covered head to toe in a burka to conceal his real identity, held a sign that said “Carson Palmer Burn in Hell!” He was accompanied by poster Crazy Finn, whose placard read “Eli Manning has a punchable face and I intend to punch it!”
Poster Extra Point set up a sidewalk stand in order to peddle copies of his brand new book, “Lurkers Take Notice, Whites Are Discriminated Against.” Another author who showed up was poster Ambrose, who arrived riding a blue and pink unicorn and passed out free copies of his book, currently sitting atop The New York Times’ best-seller list, titled “Click Your Heels, Say World Peace Three Times, and There Will Be World Peace.”
A motion was made by a Supreme Directorate member to have Mr. Mayhem visit Ambrose, however it was narrowly defeated. A follow-up motion, ordering Caste Football’s staff toxicologist to investigate which medications Ambrose is currently taking and what their side effects are, passed unanimously.
Inside the tightly guarded summit, the controversial topic of reinstating “likes” on the Caste Football forum was thoroughly discussed. After stirring remarks by site founder Don Wassall, it was clear which direction sentiment was leaning.
Declared Wassall: “Do we need a laugh track to know when something is funny? Do we need to see how many ‘likes’ a post has to be able to judge whether it has merit or not? Caste Football should not stoop to the level of Facebook, which by its ‘likes’ has contributed to the ongoing infantilization of society.
“Are we not White men, and a smattering of White broads? We are intelligent, logical and discerning; it is inherent in our glorious nature to be able to judge something’s value without a popularity contest trying to sway our opinion. Post on brothers and sisters, and let’s continue to post like-free!!!”
The motion to reinstate “likes” was unanimously defeated.
Although the Iron Guard did an admirable job, there was one breach of the inner sanctum, with poster Westside successfully posing as a janitor and gaining access to view the first day of the proceedings. However, suspicion grew when Westside’s “janitor” duties were confined to cleaning the bar area over and over.
Westside’s cover was blown when he was found passed out in a broom closet and had to be rushed to the hospital, where his BAC was determined to be a remarkable .34. Security estimated that Westside had consumed nearly 40 percent of the available alcohol at the summit. After waking up, Westside was unable to remember any of what had taken place during the previous day.
“Although we will tighten our security measures for future summits of Caste Football’s Supreme Directorate, I’m pleased that for now at least those pesky ‘likes’ will no longer appear on our world-renowned site,” Wassall told these reporters before exiting in a private jet back to Pittsburgh.
