2016 Rutgers Scarlet Knights

Discussion in 'College Football' started by Phall, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. Phall

    Phall Mentor

    Sep 19, 2012
    not Brooklyn
    Rutgers is not the worst school in the world. Despite being an oasis for most of the 18-22 yr old Indians on the eastern seaboard, New Brunswick is still a prime location to catch an STD or fall victim to negro crime. This will be the third season in the Big Ten conference for the Scarlet Knights. They are replacing their affirmative action lesbian athletic director, who was fired for systemic bullying and a history of sexual innuendo with her subordinates. Joining her in unemployment is Rutgers football's 2015 coach Kyle Flood, who was fired for, among other things, chasing professors on the way to their cars after class to threaten them into boosting his players' failing grades. Last season's star receiver was arrested for participating in a gang wilding on his ex-girlfriend... in the parking lot of the stadium after a game.

    Replacing Flood is first-time head coach Chris Ash, a white male in his early 40s. Ash was a positional coach at Ohio State last year. He is inked for 5 years and will be putting out a tire fire: a 4-8 record last season with a big flushing sound at the end of it. There really is no telling how he will recruit going forward. If he keeps his nose clean, he will be given time to see out his plan.

    This year, the Scarlet Knights will trot out (backups in parentheses):

    QB: Nick Laviano (Zach Allen, Giovanni Rescigno)
    TE: Nick Arcidiacono (Matt Flanagan)
    WR: John Tsimis (?)
    LT: (Zack Heeman)
    LG: (Zach Venesky)
    RG: Chris Muller
    RT: J.J. Denman

    WLB: (Eric Margolis)
    SS: Anthony Cioffi

    Cioffi has been relegated from cornerback to a more appropriate position for his indigenous species.

    The five white starters are all returning lettermen, and let's call it six overall assuming Tsimis beats out his native African competition. Before this season, the tallies have been 6, 5, 8, 9, 11, 8, 4, 5, 4, 8, and 6 whites since 2005. Those numbers date back to the Greg Schiano years. Consider Rutgers like a sub-Saharan African village: there will be an occasional upswing every so often in terms of quality, but a sudden brush fire could wipe it all out at any given moment.
  2. Leonardfan

    Leonardfan Hall of Famer

    Jul 30, 2006
    Great write up Phall. Had me laughing the whole time.

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