Phall
Master
The American pro soccer league kicks off this weekend. The MLS remains rather micromanaged from its administrative tier, for better or worse. The league continues to grow progressively un-American, with foreigners accounting for nearly 55% of rosters last year. There are still plenty of bright spots, and the skill level has improved each season. Zero minority managers, a jewish commissioner, and the first openly homosexual pro athlete ensure that there is still much social engineering to be accomplished... or rather, that there is still something viscerally pleasing left to be gleaned.
Physiognomy is even more nebulous than in European leagues, with players imported from all four corners of the earth into the "melting pot." I'll try to keep it simple with five racial classifications of projected starters, aiming for a handful of teams at a time. In no particular order, here are the CF previews for the 19 teams.
Columbus Crew
New manager Gregg Berhalter is a former US national team defender. Argentine Federico Higuain, brother of the world-class striker, is the star of the show and will be expected to score and facilitate. Michael Parkhurst returns to the States with national team experience under his belt. The team is not expected to contend for any titles, however.
Projected Starters:
White: (6) Higuain, Clark, Parkhust, Trapp, Anor, Williams
Whitish: Meram
black: Oduro, Francis, Tchani
mestizo: Gonzales
Colorado Rapids
The Rapids enter the season without a full-time manager. Dillon Powers is the reigning MLS rookie of the year. Drew Moor and Shane O'Neill are solid, young center backs in front of goalkeeper Clint Irwin, one of the league's best.
Projected Starters:
White: (6) Irwin, Moor, Powers, O'Neill, Sanchez, LaBrocca
black: Brown, Klute, Chavez, Wynne
mestizo: Torres
Chivas USA
This experiment is over; the league office has relieved the Mexican supremacist owners/invaders and assumed control of the team until it can be sold and re-branded, ideally by next year. Expect this fixture to be a cupcake for the majority of teams, and for its empty stadiums to drag down league attendance averages. Unfortunate spectators will be able to reminisce over Carlos Bocanegra's younger days and wonder if keeper Dan Kennedy would make national team camps if he played for a better squad.
Projected Starters:
White: (4) Kennedy, Bocanegra, McNamara, Pelletieri
black: Jean-Baptiste, Moore
mestizo: Rosales, Torres, Minda, Avila, Delgado
FC Dallas
Dallas will field yet another sub-par team with a heavy compliment of black Central Americans. After crashing to an 8th place finish in the competitive Western Conference, there is little reason to expect much better this time around. The only borderline White star is central defender George John, who has had his share of injury concerns. Young hopeful Walker Zimmerman will spell him to preserve a 3/4 White back line. Dallas pilfered manager Oscar Pareja from Colorado - as a fair-skinned Colombian, he is the closest thing MLS currently has to a minority boss.
Projected Starters:
White: (5) Diaz, Moffatt, John, Hedges, Loyd
black: Escobar, Castillo, Thomas, Benitez
mestizo: Perez, Fernandez
Houston Dynamo
Houston features three fringe US national team players in forward Will Bruin, goalkeeper Tally Hall, and the versatile Brad Davis. Unfortunately, that's about the end of the positives for the Pittsburgh Steelers of MLS. Bruin will help balance the dearth of White goal-scorers in the league, and Tally Hall will bail out his defense often enough to push this team toward a playoff spot.
Projected Starters:
White: (4) Bruin, Davis, Hall, Brunner
black: Barnes, Clark, Creavalle, Boniek Garcia, Sarkodie, Ashe, Taylor
Montreal Impact
Montreal preserves its aesthetically-appealing core of Italian and Argentinian players. Stalwart poacher Marco Di Vaio remains one of the most effective forwards in the league, liable to lead the table in both goals and offsides calls. Hernan Bernardello arrives on a designated player contract to anchor the midfield. Touted rookie Eric Miller could spell anywhere on the back line. Andres Romero and veteran Justin Mapp will man the flanks and provide through-balls to the wily Italian head man.
Projected Starters:
White: (8) Di Vaio, Romero, Mapp, Felipe, Bernardello, Brovsky, Lefevre, Perkins
black: Ferrari, Bernier, Camara
Physiognomy is even more nebulous than in European leagues, with players imported from all four corners of the earth into the "melting pot." I'll try to keep it simple with five racial classifications of projected starters, aiming for a handful of teams at a time. In no particular order, here are the CF previews for the 19 teams.
Columbus Crew
New manager Gregg Berhalter is a former US national team defender. Argentine Federico Higuain, brother of the world-class striker, is the star of the show and will be expected to score and facilitate. Michael Parkhurst returns to the States with national team experience under his belt. The team is not expected to contend for any titles, however.
Projected Starters:
White: (6) Higuain, Clark, Parkhust, Trapp, Anor, Williams
Whitish: Meram
black: Oduro, Francis, Tchani
mestizo: Gonzales
Colorado Rapids
The Rapids enter the season without a full-time manager. Dillon Powers is the reigning MLS rookie of the year. Drew Moor and Shane O'Neill are solid, young center backs in front of goalkeeper Clint Irwin, one of the league's best.
Projected Starters:
White: (6) Irwin, Moor, Powers, O'Neill, Sanchez, LaBrocca
black: Brown, Klute, Chavez, Wynne
mestizo: Torres
Chivas USA
This experiment is over; the league office has relieved the Mexican supremacist owners/invaders and assumed control of the team until it can be sold and re-branded, ideally by next year. Expect this fixture to be a cupcake for the majority of teams, and for its empty stadiums to drag down league attendance averages. Unfortunate spectators will be able to reminisce over Carlos Bocanegra's younger days and wonder if keeper Dan Kennedy would make national team camps if he played for a better squad.
Projected Starters:
White: (4) Kennedy, Bocanegra, McNamara, Pelletieri
black: Jean-Baptiste, Moore
mestizo: Rosales, Torres, Minda, Avila, Delgado
FC Dallas
Dallas will field yet another sub-par team with a heavy compliment of black Central Americans. After crashing to an 8th place finish in the competitive Western Conference, there is little reason to expect much better this time around. The only borderline White star is central defender George John, who has had his share of injury concerns. Young hopeful Walker Zimmerman will spell him to preserve a 3/4 White back line. Dallas pilfered manager Oscar Pareja from Colorado - as a fair-skinned Colombian, he is the closest thing MLS currently has to a minority boss.
Projected Starters:
White: (5) Diaz, Moffatt, John, Hedges, Loyd
black: Escobar, Castillo, Thomas, Benitez
mestizo: Perez, Fernandez
Houston Dynamo
Houston features three fringe US national team players in forward Will Bruin, goalkeeper Tally Hall, and the versatile Brad Davis. Unfortunately, that's about the end of the positives for the Pittsburgh Steelers of MLS. Bruin will help balance the dearth of White goal-scorers in the league, and Tally Hall will bail out his defense often enough to push this team toward a playoff spot.
Projected Starters:
White: (4) Bruin, Davis, Hall, Brunner
black: Barnes, Clark, Creavalle, Boniek Garcia, Sarkodie, Ashe, Taylor
Montreal Impact
Montreal preserves its aesthetically-appealing core of Italian and Argentinian players. Stalwart poacher Marco Di Vaio remains one of the most effective forwards in the league, liable to lead the table in both goals and offsides calls. Hernan Bernardello arrives on a designated player contract to anchor the midfield. Touted rookie Eric Miller could spell anywhere on the back line. Andres Romero and veteran Justin Mapp will man the flanks and provide through-balls to the wily Italian head man.
Projected Starters:
White: (8) Di Vaio, Romero, Mapp, Felipe, Bernardello, Brovsky, Lefevre, Perkins
black: Ferrari, Bernier, Camara
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